


Unqualified Lover

by meikyuu_makeyou



Category: Johnny's Jr., Snow Man (Japan Band)
Genre: Angst and Feels, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-03
Updated: 2019-01-03
Packaged: 2019-10-03 12:49:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17284364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meikyuu_makeyou/pseuds/meikyuu_makeyou
Summary: Fukka's POV to this https://archiveofourown.org/works/15733002In which Fukazawa realises that he is in fact in love with Iwamoto, but he chose to leave Iwamoto as he had hurt the younger man far too deeply.Also, it is best if you were to read the first fic or you may be lost in this one :)





	Unqualified Lover

_**该怎么去形容你最贴切 (What’s the best way to describe you)** _  
_**拿什么跟你作比较才算特别 (What’s the most appropriate way to compare you to make it special)** _  
_**对你的感觉　强烈 (My feelings towards you are strong)** _  
_**却又不太了解　只凭直觉 (Trusting only my intuition, I still don’t quite understand)** _

You’ve become someone I can’t live without. The heart that was hurting so much have grown accustomed to your loving self. I have grown to rely on you. 

It’s difficult to explain your presence to me. You’re special, a special someone who specially existed in my life. You’re like a lifebuoy to me while I was struggling to stay afloat on the choppy waters. 

I trusted my intuition that you’ll be someone special for me, I took a dive and you caught me in your strong arms. For once, I felt safe in your arms. 

For once, I found myself thinking of someone who isn’t Ryota. 

And somewhere deep in my heart, something gnaws at my heart and my conscientious. 

You’re just using him to replace Ryota...

_**你像窝在被子里的舒服 (You’re like curling up comfortably in a pile blankets)** _  
_**却又像风捉摸不住 (Yet unpredictable like the winds)** _  
_**像手腕上散发的香水味 (You’re like the lingering scent of perfume on my wrist)** _  
_**像爱不释手的　红色高跟鞋 (Like my favourite pair of red heels)** _

You’re like a cup of steaming hot cocoa in a snowy day, you’re like a pile of blankets when the winds howl outside. You’re sweet like the marshmallow you top your drinks with, you’re like the green peas you hate, soft and mushy. 

You’re strong, the way your arms curled around my waist when we made love on your bed. The way your eyes darkened with lust, voice so deep it sends shivers down my back. I arched into you, feeling so safe in your embrace. 

I’ve not realised how important you’re to me until you had to go for your café’s biannual retreat in okinawa. You offered to bring me along but I declined. Your eyes dimmed and I pretended I didn’t notice it. 

I lay awake on your bed every night, missing the comforting presence you offered. The way you curl up against me, the way your arms are around me protectively, the way you allowed me to lean on your shoulder as a pillow. The way I feel safe in your arms, pressing my lip near your neck as I shift closer in your embrace. 

You had kissed me on the cheek when you left and pulled your luggage out of the door. When the door swung close, I touched my cheek, where your lips were, and smiled. It’s so strange how just mere months ago (ten months in exact) we were strangers and now you’re someone who just have to smile and my world lights up. 

You’re like your name, Hikaru. You’re a ray of sunshine, a ray of light in my world of darkness. 

_**你问我还有多少快乐 (“How happy are you?”, you asked)** _  
_**你问我记得多少深刻 (“How deeply do you remember?”, you asked)** _  
_**你说很久没看见我笑了 (“It has been a while since I’ve smiled.", you said)** _

I think of Ryota occasionally and I glimpse the sad look on your face. That day, after a fight, you kneeled beside me and called my name. I turned as a tear slipped past my eyelid and I saw your sad face. 

I swallowed thickly, hands reaching out to cup your face gently. 

“Hikaru…” I called gently and you closed your eyes. 

A tear rolled down your cheeks and I was stunned. Who could have made you cry, I didn’t think it was me then. I wiped it off your face tenderly, and you leaned in to kiss me on the lips. I froze, letting your lips press against mine as I just sat there unmoving. 

You pulled away and apologised, getting up and I caught you sniffing before wiping away your tears. I told my friends Sakkun and Abe-chan about this and was yelled at by Abe-chan. He called me an asshole and punched me across the face. 

You rushed over, holding his raised hand and growled that he will break the arm if you hit me again. Abe-chan stared at you and you gently rubbed on the bruised area, trying to ease the pain. Sakkun revealed what I told them to you, you froze and a look of hurt and pain flashed across your eyes. 

I felt my throat tightened up, an apology stuck in its depths. The look disappeared as quickly as it came, a small smile coming on your lips. I frowned. 

“I know that,” you had said calmly, but your voice wavered a little. 

“I know his heart belongs to Ryota, I know I can’t replace the place he holds for Ryota. But it doesn’t matter for me. As long as he doesn’t push me away, it’s alright.” You continued and I quietly begged for you to stop saying. 

I realised how much you have sacrificed for me. 

I realised how little I’ve known about you. 

My heart dropped to my guts as my mind repeats, "you're just using his love, his heart, his everything to forget Ryota".

_**倘若那天 (what if that day)** _  
_**把该说的话好好说 该体谅的不执著 (we said what was needed to be said, to forgive what was supposed to be forgiven)** _  
_**如果那天我 不受情绪挑拨 你会怎么做 (what if that day, I was not blinded by my emotions, what would you have done?)** _  
_**那么多如果 可能如果我 (there’s so many perhaps, perhaps if I had)** _  
_**可惜没如果 只剩下结果 (too bad there’s no more ‘what ifs’ only the consequences remained behind)** _

The day we broke up was the most painful day for me. 

I realised that I’ve loved you wholeheartedly, that you have completely replaced Ryota in my heart. My heart sings when you touch me in all the places I’m sensitive to, my heart leapt when your lips were at my ear and your voice send shivers down my spine. 

When did I started to love you, that I don't know. But you have evaded my heart, my mind and my senses. The way your gentleness flows out of you in waves, wrapping me up comfortably in your presence.

The fight was stupid. 

You had a new budding barista at the café and he was your buddy. He was all over you, calling you “teru-nii”. I was seething with jealousy when you pat him gently on the head and he beams up at you. I was afraid he will take you away from me. 

The way you smiled at him was breathtaking. I wondered why haven’t you smiled like that to me before. Your eyes crinkled into fine crescents and your laughter boomed across the café. 

Both of you looked like a couple. And I turned my eyes away, feeling like I’ve intruded an intimate moment between you two. 

You bounced over and offered me a newly baked cake, and I snarled at you. 

When I turned away from you, I missed the way the light in your eyes dimmed. I missed the way your shoulders hunched and you looked defeated. I missed the way you looked like you were punched in the guts. 

I was right that he liked you. 

Three months in, he confessed to you. I couldn’t hear the reply but the way his head hung, I knew you had rejected him. But the next moment, he tiptoed and kiss you. 

Your hands were on his shoulders and you pushed him away. He was crying and you pulled him into a hug, leading him away from the counter. My eyes followed you until you disappeared in the backroom. 

You were gone for seventeen minutes and when you’re back, the other boy was not around. You continued with your chores, your eyes sad as the boy bade you goodbye and left the café. Your eyes followed him, worried but firm on your decision. 

I felt my jealousy creeping up on me like an open burning flame. I refused to meet your eyes and stormed home. I caught a glimpse of your crestfallen face and that image remained in my mind. 

“You’re a horrible person, Fukazawa Tatsuya.” Abe’s voice rang out, loud and clear, in my mind. 

I went home, grabbed my things slowly and packed them into my luggages. I had enough; of doubting my love for you and for hurting you with my reliance on you. I sat by the sofa, waiting for you to come back. I must have fallen asleep, because I woke up with your hands in my hair, gently patting me. 

I opened my eyes slowly, catching your sad eyes. You realised I’m leaving you.

Your hands are soft, gentle even, as you opened the bento boxes you bought. They were from my favourite takeout shop and I shook my head. 

“Why?” Your soft voice felt like a whip on my skin. 

“Am I not enough to make you forget him?” 

I knelt beside you, hands in your hair, kissing you silly. You whimpered and kissed back, desperate for some touch. I was pushed to lie on my back, as you hovered above me. 

“Hikaru, I can’t hurt you or restrict you from finding your happiness anymore.” I said, softly, eyes sincerely looking at you. 

“Fukka, my happiness is here… with you.” 

I held back a sob and pushed you away. I stood by my luggages, eyes determined. You are on the floor, looking at me pitifully. 

Your eyes red with tears, you sniffed and I controlled myself to not waver, to not go to you, to not cradle you in my arms and kiss you, to assure you that everything will be ok. I am no longer in the position to do so, because 

I've hurt you enough that I'm hating myself for it.

All the things you've done for me is obvious. You handled my pining for Ryota, the words I said sometimes hurt you beyond any physical punches. The way your eyes dimmed when you realised my mind had drifted, the way you don't smile like you used to anymore.

I have drained you so much of your love, your smiles and yet you are still here, willingly giving me more and more, willingly allowing yourself to be milked dry of everything. I closed my eyes in pain and walked to the door. 

If there is only one thing I could do, because I have grown to love you so much, and that's to stop you from drying yourself out. You needed someone who can give you back what you handed out, in equal amounts or more. 

And I am unqualified to be that person, you deserve so much more than this wreck of a person.

“Good bye Hikaru. Please, find someone who will love you for who you are, someone who wouldn’t hurt you anymore.” I said softly, but my voice resonated in the silent room.

I pushed the door open, stealing one last look before letting the door fall shut behind me. I heard your wail as the door swung close. That anguished wail resonated in my mind as I walked away from the warm house we shared.

I can’t afford to bring you any more pain. Not when I realised that I loved you. Because that's the only thing I can do now.

_**只期待 后来的你 能快乐 (I only hoped that the future you can be blissful)** _  
_**那就是 后来的我 最想的 (that would be what the future me hope for the most)** _  
_**后来的我们 依然走着 (the future us still continue to walk on)** _  
_**只是不再并肩了 (just not fighting the same battle)** _  
_**朝各自的人生 追寻了 (seeking out our own lives)** _

I returned to the house a month later, hoping to return you the keys. I stepped in and was greeted by still air and a layer of dust. There was a letter addressed to me sitting on the kitchen table. 

I picked it up and dusted the dust off. 

_Dear Fukka_

_I guess when you’re reading this letter, the news might have reached you already._

_I’m sorry for not telling you soon enough, and for you to know through the letter. I’m sorry._

_I’m in the States, learning how to dance. Shizuya is with me but that's only because his penpal Noel asked him to join him in the States. Please don’t be jealous, I don’t think my heart will change so please don’t be jealous._

_You’re always the one I love, no matter what. Don’t feel guilty about anything, I chose to stay, I chose to be hurt, and it is never your fault Fukka. I don’t want you to see yourself in a bad light._

_You’re always perfect to me._

_If you want, my home in the states will always be open to you. Visit me as a friend, I don’t mind._

_This house has been paid for by me for another year, if you want, if you don’t mind, you may move it. I have heard from Ryohei that you’re looking for cheap rents. Please stay here if you want, or sell it off and use the money to get a place elsewhere._

_I missed you dearly, but perhaps you’re now with someone who heals you better, someone who treats you like you’re the world. Perhaps you’ve walked out of your shadows, if so then I’m glad._

_I would never stop loving you… then, now, in the future._

_Stay cheerful, smile always (you have such a beautiful smile) and I hope you find someone who would give you the bliss I couldn’t._

_Love, Hikaru_

I was on the floor, curled up crying as I threw the letter to the side and heaved, my chest constricting painfully. There is so many things I don’t know about you, so many things I wanted to know about. Your kindness is wasted on a person like me. 

I pulled the pillow on the sofa to my chest, my nose buried in the stale scent of your shampoo. I sobbed and sobbed until my tears ran out and I stood up. I cleaned and I packed and dusted the dust off. 

I went home, asked for a refund for my rent, took everything and moved right into your home. When I told my friends about it, Abe-chan only looked at me sadly and shook his head. I bowed to them, walking away to the place we shared, the place that probably held the most memories for us, the place where I've hurt you over and over again.

I missed my chance with you, and now I'll pay the price for it. 

_**无论是 后来故事 怎么了 (regardless what happens to our story in the end)** _  
_**也要让 后来人生 精彩著 (we need to live our future to the fullest)** _  
_**后来的我们 我期待着 (I’m full of hope for the us in the future)** _  
_**泪水中能看到 你真的 幸福快乐 (through my flowing tears, I can see that you’re really blissful)** _

(Three years later)

There was news that the new broadway show was coming to town. Sakkun and Abe-chan have been asking me to go with them. I have no interest in the shows until I saw your name, just below the main lead of the show.

Lead dancer, Hikaru Iwamoto. 

I stopped at the display and looked at the brochure and took one. Noting the days and the timings, I bought a ticket for the last day of the show. Walking away from the theatres, my heart is set. 

I sent you flowers on the opening day, but I didn’t sign off on the card - it just wrote, "To: Iwamoto Hikaru, may the show be a success.". 

Amidst the dull colored roses and flowers, my bouquet looks bright and cheerful. Just like how I remembered you to be. 

Sunflowers, yellow daisies and yellow roses made up the main bouquet, and I subtly added in purple lavenders to the bouquet, hoping you’ll get the hint that it’s from me.

I scrolled through social media and the fans of yours were speculating about the bouquet. I was rather pleased when they mentioned that yellow suits you. Of course it does; you may seem harsh at first sight, but just like the sun, your presence is warm, is soothing, is comforting. 

I wonder if you’ll have the time to meet up for dinner. Or lunch, or even tea. But I daren’t dream too much. 

After all, who am I to ask you for forgiveness and to meet up. Why hurt you again when you're doing so well now? Abe messaged me that he saw the bouquet and I'm such a creep. 

"I had to be subtle, don't I?" I replied him sadly.

"I'm sure he will understand, I think he still loves you." The reply came quick.

I shook my head at that statement and replied, turning my phone away from me. I mustn't keep the hope up that I will be accepted back. I closed my eyes, thinking about you; is this how you feel when I give you hope only to thrash them again?

The day came and I watched the performance, eyes on your graceful movements. My eyes narrowed down to you, and the short boy beside you. When the show ended, I sat in my seat and flipped through the programme booklet and finding his name. 

_Maeda Kouki._

The way he had interacted with you in the ending call was definitely not one of a kouhai and senpai. I folded the pamphlet and was about to stand to leave when a staff approached me. I blinked at him and the staff insisted that I follow him. 

In a daze, I followed the staff to your room. You stood there, still in costume, still in makeup. You smiled and my heart skipped a beat. 

“Hikaru?” Maeda popped his head in, saw me and his eyes widened. 

“I’ll not bother you, Hikaru-senpai! I’ll do the debrief with you tomorrow! Sorry for the intrusion!” He chirped and marched out of the room, and you laughed hearing him yelling at the others to avoid your room. 

I stood there stunned. I have never heard your laugh. I have seen your smiles, but I have never heard you laugh. You took a few steps towards me, stopping in front of me. 

“Hello!” You greeted, tentatively. 

In a spur of a moment, I grabbed your wrist and pulled you to me, into a tight hug. I heard a soft squeak of surprise and I threw my arms around your neck. My lips came crashing down on yours, eager and hopeful as your hands dropped to my waist, tugging me closer. 

“The flowers are beautiful.” You muttered at my ear and a roll of shivers went down my spine. 

“You’re so perfect, onstage and offstage.” I whispered back. 

You pulled away, looking stunned. I cupped your cheek and gave you a soft smile. You returned a smile and we burst into laughter. 

"We have so many things to talk about." You whispered, light returning to your eyes. 

I nodded, holding you close, missing your warmth, your unique scent. I breathed in deeply, nuzzling at your neck. Your grip on my waist tightened and you pulled me closer.

"Fukka..." You called out and I pulled away, eyes bright with love.

You saw the love I had in my eyes and choked up a little, eyes glistened with tears. I hushed you and wiped a stray tear away. Kissing the corner of your lips, I smiled gently at you.

You pressed your lips to mine softly and pulled away from me. You sniffed a little and I started to panic but the smile on your face made the room a lot brighter. You showed me to the sofa and told me to stay put as you quickly took your clothes from the rack and ducked into the shower.

I walked over to the make up table and slowly helped you packed your things. The room door opened and the main lead of the musical poked his head in. He saw me and blinked in surprise, a frown on his head.

I quickly bowed and greeted him, unsure of what to say. He took in my appearance and he heard the shower turning on. Recognition dawned on him and he bowed back, walking to the sofa to sit down, gesturing that I do so too. 

“Ah, you must have been the guy that sent our Hikaru sunflowers huh?” He asked, smiling a little. 

I ducked my head awkwardly and he frowned at me. 

“So it means you’re the one that hurt Hikaru, right?” He asked, leaning forward. 

I nodded, head dropped and avoided his eyes. He sighed and stared at me. 

“Are you here to hurt him again?”

My head shot up quickly, shaking strongly. “No… I’m here… I’m here… because…”

Why am I there? Because the staff forced me to follow? Because I wanted to see you again?

He seems happy at my stunned lack of response and stood up again. “If you hurt Hikaru again, well there are more people waiting to kill you now.”

I nodded. “I…”

“Senpai?” You called out, coming out of the showers, topless and a towel hung around your shoulders. 

I stared at your trained body, and the senior walked up to you. You two exchanged a few words, and I saw a faint blushed dusting across your cheeks. The senior laughed, explaining why he was here.

“I wanted to ask if you want to hang out with us but I guess you’re occupied.”

You blushed, scratching your head awkwardly. An apology fell from your lips but the senior patted you goodnaturedly on the back. You walked him to the door and gave him a low bow, I bowed along as well.

I was staring when you walked back, grabbing your shirt and quickly buttoning up. I walked towards you and silently helped you with the collar. Our eyes met, I apologised and your lips came crashing down on mine. 

Everything felt so right, there and then. 

“How did you know I was there?” I asked when we walked out of the backstage, hand in hand.

“Well, you need better friends…” You replied softly. “Abe-chan told me your seat number.”

“You know Abe-chan!?” I asked, stopping in my tracks. 

“Of course. They have been telling me what you’ve been doing. Congrats on getting the crane machine certificate.” You smiled and I shifted closer to you. 

“I can’t believe this! All this while?” I frowned.

“I’ll let you ask me questions later, it’s been years since I came back, do you know any good ramen places around?” You grinned, eyes shining with love and I nodded.

You were right, there is so much to catch up with, and we have time. We have all the time now. I'm not going anywhere anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, thank you so much for reading. Please do leave a comment below, and let me know how you feel about this fic or if there are any typos >..<
> 
> The songs used here are (by appearance):  
> 1\. 红色高跟鞋 - watch?v=2VvOMQAB3uE  
> 2\. 我沒資格 - watch?v=z9bqOGnria0  
> 3\. 可惜没如果 - watch?v=vsBf_0gDxSM  
> 4\. 后来的我3. 们 - watch?v=pd3eV-SG23E  
> They are all YouTube links :)


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